The Pang of Joy

During a conversation several weeks ago, people I love shared something with me as we dialogued over a playful topic which felt like a sucker-punch when it hit me. I was blindsided by their words and all that was loaded into them (unbeknownst to them) to such an extreme that I didn’t have a shelf in the storage closet of my brain upon which to place them. And had I attempted, the tailspin in my heart and mind would have impeded any attempt to place them anywhere stable. 

I was disillusioned and it felt like after so many years of pouring myself out to connect and forge ties with them, I was powerless to overcome factors which seem to hold connection captive. 

And my response—I felt like giving up. Not forever. I just wanted to take a break from loving for a few weeks. I wouldn’t be cruel or anything like that. I just wanted relief from feeling the ache where there is a desire for connection which seems elusive. I have weathered, by the grace of God, many challenging seasons with them, but this was the rip that took the wind out of my sail in this round. I knew I wouldn’t stay in that place of I GIVE UP forever. I just wanted to be angry and protest for a few weeks...or maybe a month. 

I shared the story with my spiritual director yesterday. After intently listening to me and asking me how they impacted me and offering other wise insights, she said, “This journey isn’t necessarily about the end result, is it? You don’t have any control over that. The journey is worth it because of the process. The process is yours.”

A SEVERE MERCY

I exhaled, not realizing I’d been holding my emotional breath since the conversation weeks earlier. I felt called out in the most gracious manner. She invited me to return to presence. To being in the now. To remaining open despite the costs to my heart. When I returned to the present, my anger manifesting in resignation morphed into a deep sadness. I opened myself to felt rejection and dismissal. I’m choosing to believe that God is attentive and kind amidst this long chapter of our story. I’m taking my wrestle and ache and longing to the one who is able to hold it all—affirming my longing for connection. I can’t help but think about C.S. Lewis’s definition of joy,

“Joy is distinct not only from pleasure in general but even from aesthetic pleasure. It must have the stab, the pang, the inconsolable longing” So on the one hand, Joy has this dimension of “inconsolable longing,” aching, yearning for something you don’t have. But on the other hand, the longing and aching and yearning is itself pleasurable. It is in itself not just a wanting to have but a having.

There lies in our hearts a longing that is also a delight, a longing that nothing in this world can satisfy and a delight that nothing in this world can match. . . .-C.S. Lewis

This cruciform life is so upside down. Who in their earthly mind would come up with a definition of joy like that? All of our longings on this God-blessed earth are held by a transcendent longing for our Creator. Joy is diving into my thirsts for attachment with people I love and allowing the inconsolable longing to lead me to Living Water, who alone can quench my thirst. Joy is remaining present to the stab wound of longing—allowing it to deepen my hunger for the Bread of Life. My old self, which happened to surface as I lay bloody in emotional shrapnel wanted to shut down the ache, yearn no more, protect my raw heart. 

And then the Bread of Life extended His hand and invited me back into the deep waters of love.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable. -C.S. Lewis

To be vulnerable is the pathway to Joy. I’m also finding myself desiring to fast-forward to the end of this Corona season. And I hear my director’s voice beckoning me back to the now, “The journey is worth it because of the process. The process is yours.” There is good for us here. There is something in this season which will uniquely stir our appetites for God if we allow, We only need to be. here. now.

A SUGGESTED PRACTICE

Pay attention to resistance or invitation to being in your present reality? What are you longing for? What do you do with your inconsolable longing? Do you manage your heart to prevent the pang of longing from surfacing? You might explore your definition of joy. Can you sense an invitation from Jesus as you explore the deep waters of your soul?